


I'll eat when I'm dead.

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Bulimia, Depressed!Niall, M/M, Niall-centric
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-08
Updated: 2014-12-10
Packaged: 2018-02-28 17:05:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2740286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It doesn't stop, it never does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1st

Niall wants to cry. To scream. To just let it all out.  
He is standing in front of his mirror in the bathroom and the only thing he is wearing are his boxer shorts. His hair still is slightly damp and he can feel goosebumps arising on his skin while his body turns cold and his heart gets heavy. He wishes he would have never even started looking at himself and wishes that time would stand still and the world would stop spinning and the pain would get less and the ground would hold him and his thoughts would stop and everything would just fall together like it once unfolded. He wishes he would get burnt and his ashes would fly around and go to the most different places and do things he would never be able to and be free like he is cuffed to the walls of his home. He just wishes he wouldn't be.  
Slowly, as if fearing it but doing it anyway, he lifts his hand and starts moving it towards his stomach to grab some skin there and pull, the ultimate proof of the fat that is surrounding his body. He squeezes as hard as he can and he already feels the pain, but keeps on doing so anyway, it feels like a good pain. He pulls until it feels like he rips off his skin and he sees way more hanging from his fingers than he would like to; fat, thick and ugly calories enveloping his body and making him jiggle with every single move and making his bones disappear and making his skin soft and making his belly round and making his thighs touch and making everything just bigger.  
Suddenly, he lets go of the skin like it burnt him and he just silently watches it turn red and start to leave a pleasant ache. He is fascinated.  
And scared.  
He doesn't want to be like this.  
It wasn't his choice.  
It has never been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think. :)


	2. 2nd

2nd: For a moment, it feels like Niall is floating and like nothing holds him down anymore. It feels like from one moment to another, he has grown some wings and he is flying higher and higher and the ground gets littler and he still keeps getting higher and suddenly, he is laughing and has to hold his stomach and tears spring into his eyes and it feels like he is the happiest person in the world and like nothing can ever bring him down and the ground still gets smaller and the sun comes closer and Niall gets warmer and then it is too much and it is burning him and he can feel the tears of happiness become tears of pain and his insides are boiling and then it is too much and it feels like he is finally blacking out and then he is back in the bathroom, his frame   
still hunched over the toilet and his fingers are aching and his mouth has a bitter taste and his stomach feels weird and the sight in front of him in the toilet is sickening.  
He closes his eyes - fearing that his gag reflex would come back to life if he would look into the bowl again - and he lies his face onto the cool surface of the toilet seat and lets his body relax.  
It is weird, but right now it doesn't feel like he could wish for anything else and although his knees start hurting because of the pressure of his weight on them for a long time, he doesn't change positions for another half an hour because it feels good that his stomach is empty and not full with water and for once, it isn't grumbling and roaring and he can feel his tongue getting numb because of the acid in his mouth, but all of that doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is that he can feel himself losing weight by every passing second and that fact fills him with happiness like nothing else ever could and that is the reason why his weight is the most important thing in the world for him and it feels like he wouldn't be whole without having thoughts about his body every passing second.  
He knows that there has been a time before all of this started, but he cannot really remember when it was, but maybe that is the thing. He thinks he does not really want to. Life is good the way it is now and even if Niall could, he would not change a thing.  
Calories have become his life and he is not planning on changing this any time soon.

He does not really want to, but Niall does not know how to say no to the boys, especially Harry with his shining eyes and pouty lips and heartwarming smiles and lovingly hugs.   
That is why he ends up leaving his house with four layers of clothing and his parka still over them. The walk to Liam's house is only about a fifty metres long and yet it seems that it is the most he has done in the past few days.  
His teeth have already started chattering when he is standing in front of Liam's front door and he curses Liam after only having waited for five seconds since ringing the door bell.  
But then he hears some faint footsteps and not even a second later, the door opens and Liam's smiling face appears.  
Niall is blinded and suddenly he sees all the differences between him and the others again and then a pain erupts right where his heart is and it feels like all of his flaws suddenly are pointed out and Niall wants to turn around again.  
Liam looks perfect as always. And Niall doesn't mean his way of clothing or his body, he means Liam's face. His cheeks are a little bit red and flushed and his eyes have this kind of glimmer and they shine like a light of their own and it feels like the only thing Liam is able to do is to give love and his smile only seems to confirm this because it is bright and makes his cheeks look even better and his eyes get this kind of crinkle and it looks like Liam has never not been smiling and Niall automatically feels welcome and for a moment Niall truly believes that somebody doesn't hate him and that the world maybe isn't so bad and that there is still hope and life is not useless and it will get better and this is all meant to be.   
And then it is over. And Niall knows that it has already been worth it and that maybe it is better to live for these moments and not for the ones which you have to suffer for.  
But then he can feel himself shaking his head and he knows that you can't always count on people and that we are all doomed to get hurt and that it is just a matter of time and that you better rely on yourself because if you get hurt then, you yourself can be the one to change.  
And Liam's hug does not change his mind even the slightest because it feels like Niall has become cold and his shell just got harder and nobody can destroy it and he is hopeless, so hopeless.

He can feel their eyes on him when he enters the room and he knows they just want to greet him, but it feels so uncomfortable and he tries not to fidget although he wants nothing more than to hide his fat, all of it.  
Slowly and one by one, he looks at all of them and notices that they look similar to Liam and Niall wants to cringe because they are full of hope and good thoughts and beauty and wisdom and strength and he is everything they are not. And he hates it.  
He knows that they are itching for a hug because that is the thing they always do, but suddenly he fears it. He fears that they will finally notice all of his fat and will start loving him less - no, hating him - because of it if they have not already done it. He tries to suppress the shudder.  
Harry is the first one. He always is. He is so young and carefree and yet thoughtful and Niall hasn't ever heard him complain about anything and he is such a good person and Niall just knows that Harry deserves somebody much better than him and yet he still doesn't pull away when the arms embrace him and he even puts his own arms around Harry's toned and strong body.  
He immediately smells mint and manly cologne and there is a hint of old and dusty books in bookshelves and Niall feels like he isn't in London anymore but in Mullingar and his parents are standing in front of him and smiling at him and Greg is standing in the kitchen with his back towards Niall, but Niall can still feel the love and the fondness and then he is smiling and can't help but let out a little sigh and his thoughts are a mess again and go in two different directions although he already knows what the answer of his heart will be.  
He lets go of Harry after some seconds because he doesn't want to seem too clingy and he doesn't want to annoy Harry and his fat still is there and Harry probably is disgusted by him.  
He blinks the tears out of his eyes and is thankful that nobody notices.

It is three hours later when Niall has to choose between (a) eating like the boys are and act like everything is fine or (b) try some sh*tty excuse as to why he has to leave and can't 'enjoy' (as if) dinner with them. Zayn looks at him expectantly and that is when Niall finds himself crumbling and agreeing. He knows that he and Zayn have a special bond and although Zayn would never admit this, he would surely be hurt when Niall said he had to leave.  
So instead he brings a smile on Zayn's face by telling everyone that he does not leave and is about to stay for some more time. And although he does not want to, Niall thinks that if agreeing to eating brings a smile on Zayn's face he would do it more often.  
Of course he knows that later on he has to puke it all out, but for now it is worth it and Niall is somewhat content about everything.  
And that has been his goal since a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is for Diana xx


End file.
